Two Words, No “e”

C-A-R-O-L-space-A-N-N. My first name. All together, indivisible. Name tags, hotel reservations, official forms. Call me sweetie, call me Carolyn, but never ever call me “Carol.”

Carol is a very nice name; it’s just not mine.

There’s something precious about a person’s name, whether given at birth or acquired later. Although not unique in the world, it’s uniquely ours: no one in the history of our planet has ever had the same combination of hair, skin, talent, aspiration and soul as the person wearing your name.

Yes, yes, we’re constantly reminded that we’re special, one-of-a-kind. And, of course, that’s true. For me, my name is where it begins: call me this, and therefore see me in this way.

I am relentless in protecting my identifier. When I’m queuing up at a restaurant with another person I’ll give their name instead of my own to claim a table. Or I’ll ask the barista to write CA on my cup. Why? Because invariably Carol Ann becomes Carol, and I seethe.

So, my attitude is call me nothing rather than call me wrong.

IMG_1377
The Parthenon, Athens

I get genuinely confused when a new acquaintance says, “Oh, you can call me Bob or Robert. I don’t care.” They, of course, are generous and permission-giving, conveying ease and welcome.

For me, it’s like saying you were born in both Brooklyn and Sacramento. Which is it? Or it shovels the choice to me: a huge responsibility. Or it quadruples what I need to remember: Robert + Bob + he’s ok with either one + what do I usually call him.

And — maybe this is the existential part of it — it creates a doppelgänger: a Bob and a Robert occupying the same space but engaging divergently depending on the name they’re called in the moment. And when I reflect that simultaneously they “are” both Bob and Robert to different people at the very same time, I reel with the crossing lines and blurred identities.

Ok, maybe I get a wee bit hysterical on this topic. Perhaps that’s because I choose to spend so much time helping people call me by my name. You’d be surprised by the number of people who assume that I don’t actually favor the name I present with a handshake hello. Nice to meet you, I’ll say. “My name is Carol Ann Siciliano” (with an emphasis on “Ann” in all its nasal glory).

“Hi, Carol,” they’ll say. “My name is Robert.” I then have a choice: let it go or not.

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Albuquerque, New Mexico, photographed by Kevin Ogle

I think clarifying my name was my earliest act of self-assertion, my earliest protest to the world at large: look at me — who I say I am, not who you devise.

I was timid and self-effacing in a hundred other contexts, but surprisingly not this particular one. At college, I didn’t know who I truly was at any essential level. But I knew that package of scraggly hair, big glasses, polyester tops and wide-eyed wonder was intrinsically me and its label read, unequivocally, “Carol Ann.”

And then I discovered — well into my militancy — that “Ann” is actually my middle name. The people who lop off (as extraneous) that third syllable were just channeling my birth certificate.

Gazing at that document I literally experienced a moment of vertigo: I had constructed a life as “Carol Ann,” a label I invested with significance and around which I built a persona and fashioned dreams. And suddenly I discovered that she was a fraud: that this Carol Ann — no longer gawky, no longer timid — was entirely my own invention and that the real me, this “Carol,” had been lurking in a metal file cabinet. And when people called me “Carol,” perhaps she was being spotted by a perceptive new acquaintance who had yanked the drape off my construct and called me by my true name: no “e” and certainly no “Ann.”

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A roadside shop in Ephesus, Turkey.

I shoved the birth certificate back in its envelope, slammed the file drawer and covered the whole thing with a piece of cloth. I will lie, I resolved.

I don’t lie, but this was too important. I needed to preserve a larger notion of truth that inhabits the bundle of hair, skin, talent and aspirations that is authentically “Carol Ann.”

So, I’m Carol Ann. Nice to meet you. That birth certificate is my own Picture of Dorian Gray; the alter-ego who torments the hero in Henry James’ story, “The Jolly Corner”; the seed of what might have been had I dropped that “Ann” years ago (as my parents no doubt expected me to do).

That version of me, that Carol, is a nub, a truncated path that led in an entirely different direction. Better or worse I cannot say and don’t want to ponder.

All I know is this: a Carol Siciliano walks about somewhere living a perfectly fine life. I wish her well, and I’m grateful that she’s occupying the space imagined for me by my birth certificate.

And if you hear me establish the “Ann” when I meet someone new, be patient with me. There’s a lot a stake.

I wrote this piece for Five Minute Friday, a faith-based community blogging site at https://fiveminutefriday.com/2019/05/30/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-name/ Scroll all the way down and check out the other short essays on the topic of “Name.”  

12 thoughts on “Two Words, No “e”

  1. I love this, Carol Ann, and I feel your frustration! I don’t know why people feel they can just shorten people’s names without permission. I have a friend called Valerie and people always shorten it to Val, which she doesn’t like, but she’s too polite to say most of the time so I tend to tell them! For me, it’s not so much shortening my name but spelling it wrong that drives me mad – especially when I send an email and people reply to “Leslie” instead of Lesley! Visiting from FMF #6.

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    1. Dear Lesley — It’s funny how an innocent prompt can uncap a well of emotion and, yes, frustration. I’m so grateful you visited from FNF. Welcome! I hope you stop by again. And I’m grateful on behalf of your friend Valerie that you take a stand for her. Thank you for being my partner in this crusade! Carol Ann

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you on having to choose what I should call someone. Why should I choose? It’s their name! Lol. (And hopefully I haven’t spelled your Ann with an “e”…) 🙂

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    1. Thank you, Cheryl, for your post and your bit of wondering. As for myself, I’ll take the “e” any time if the drags the A-N-N along! I certainly appreciate your thoughtfulness, though. Carol Ann

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  3. I loved this post! It’s interesting how much our names connect with our vulnerability and identity. When someone calls me “Steph” when we haven’t really been in a relationship that has developed, I get a bit nervous. I feel like there is a bit of overreach or assumption that we are closer than we are. Truly, they may be used to that abbreviation based on another relationship. As you say, “I had constructed a life as “Carol Ann,” a label I invested with significance and around which I built a persona and fashioned dreams. ” Poignantly expressed.

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    1. Dear Stephanie — Thank you for sharing these insights. I hadn’t thought about identity in terms of vulnerability, but of course you’re right. And boundaries too: people getting a little to close a bit too soon. I hope you visit again. As you see, we have a deeply thoughtful and loving community here! Carol Ann

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  4. I do not even know the way I stopped up right here, but I assumed this post was good.
    I do not know who you are however definitely
    you are going to a well-known blogger when you aren’t already.

    Cheers!

    Like

    1. I really appreciate your taking the time to drop a note! And I’m grateful for your encouragement. I wish you all the best too. Carol Ann

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  5. Kevin Lewis Ogle June 4, 2019 — 7:31 am

    Great post!

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    1. Hi, Kevin! Thanks for joining us here. And especially today I thank you for all you do to “see” me and help me be seen. (And, yes, YOU may always call me “CA.”) Love, Carol Ann

      Like

  6. Bonnie Seklecki June 4, 2019 — 9:27 am

    Awesome post. Names are so very precious. As someone who has a twin sister I have been called her name half the time. However when friends wanted us to prank someone, I could only pretend to be her for a short time because it just didn’t feel right. My name is Bonnie but I answer to the name Beth too! Thanks Carol Ann!

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    1. Hi, Bonnie. Thanks for sharing your story about your twin, Beth. And I appreciate your reflections on inhabiting Beth’s persona as a prank: love her as you do, know her as you do, it just doesn’t feel right. I think it’s not only a problem of pretending, I think it’s also the simultaneous abandonment of ourselves in that moment. Yikes.

      And answering to Beth’s name? I completely get it. I am honored to be confused with my own sister, Dianne. Love one of us, love us both. Of course, my poor Mom routinely called us Ca’dianne and D’carolann. I still smile to think. And now I do the same to my boys! Thanks for reading, for chatting with me here, and for your inspiration! Carol Ann

      Like

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